The Dr Fidelius Guide to Essay Writing

Good evening children. Today I impart great secrets to you, that you may go out into the world and share them with those in need. This is the way Dr Fidelius writes his coursework essays, and it’s as easy as falling off a cliff.

Before we begin, a warning: this method will not suit everyone. It is for those souls, akin to myself, who find themselves on the eve of deadline, twitching their fingers and biting their lips, knowing that they have 3,000 words to write by break of dawn and no time left to procrastinate. It has been tried, tested and honed over the years and it works very well indeed, but will it work for you? Caveat emptor.

And so.

I will assume that you have assembled the books, journals and data sets relevant to your essay and are commencing to write your notes.

1. Note-taking

The rules:

Thou shalt take notes from one thing at a time.
Thou shalt write on only one side of the paper.
Thou shalt use A4, lined but not closely-ruled.
Thou shalt number thy pages, in the topmost and rightmost corner and thou shalt draw a little box around the number or similar.

1.1
Now. At the top of your paper write out (neatly) the author, title, publisher and date of publication of your chosen resource. You will need this information later on when you come to write your footnotes and bibliography, and it will need to be correct. Underline it.

1.2
Commence to take notes. They can be as scribbly as you like. When you write something down, write in the margin the number of the page it came from. Draw a ring around it, or similar. This will be important later.

1.3
Don’t worry about headings and subheadings, but do leave space between points. If you want to write out a direct quote do so neatly and mark it clearly with quotation marks.

1.4
If an idea for your essay occurs to you, write it down. If it’s a response to the source you’re taking notes from, do it in a different colour or mark it clearly with big asterisks around it. If it’s not related to the source, write it somewhere else and keep it handy.

1.5
When you have worked through all your assembled sources you will hopefully have enough material for your essay. If not, go and do some more reading. If it’s a 3,000 word essay and your writing is anything like mine you should have 10 to 15 pages of notes. Now you’re ready for stage two.

2. Planning

The rules:

Thou shalt not skip the plan and go directly to the writing.
THOU SHALT NOT SKIP THE PLAN AND GO DIRECTLY TO THE WRITING.
Seriously. It won’t just make your essay better, it will make the writing a lot faster. Do this and you will not be stuck in the computer lab at 3am, massaging your eyes with your palms and wondering how to fill the remaining 1,500 words. You’ll thank me later.

2.1
At the top of a fresh sheet of paper, write PLAN in big, friendly letters. You may be a bit jittery at this stage and it will be encouraging to look at.

2.2
Ideally, by now you will have some idea of what you want to write. Allowing space for the intro and conclusion you’ll probably have room for three main sections, four if they’re small. If you need ideas, consult your notes and pay attention to those thoughts you highlighted earlier on. OK?

2.3
Write down your main points on your plan with lots of space between them. Under those points, write the content in brief. eg:
PERSONAL LIFE
– school days
– relationship with parents
– radicalisation
– unfortunate incident with hamster

2.4
Now comes the clever bit. Read through your notes again and jot down which parts you’ll need to reference next to each point. Because you numbered your pages at the top in the margin, you can use two numbers (one in a square, one in a circle) to refer to anything you’ve written.

2.5
Try to keep your points in a sensible and logical order. If you change your mind, number them in the margin to indicate the order you want to write them.

2.6
You will now have a page headed PLAN, covered with scrawlings, arrows, numbers, crossings-out and things cramped into the space between lines and written very small to make them fit. This is normal. Write it out again in the order you’ve decided on. Your essay will be as organised as your plan is. Make it a really good plan.
Keep writing it out in even more detail if you want to, just keep it neat. Now you’re ready for stage three.

3. Writing

The rules:

Thou shalt support thy statements.
Thou shalt spellcheck.
Thou shalt do a word count every one and a half pages at most.
Thou shalt make it double-spaced.

3.1
Your introduction, naturally enough, introduces your essay. Begin with a firm statement. Set out your main points (briefly) in plain language. Columnists do not begin by writing “In this column I will say that Andy Burnham is wrong about net neutrality for reason x and reason y.” It sounds like a 9-year-old’s account of his holidays.

3.2
Your points, if you’ve planned well, should lead into each other. When you get to each one you should be able to see what you’re going to say, flick to the relevant note and type it up. Don’t forget your footnotes.

3.3
When you conclude, sum it up. Your conclusion should have no new information. Say something conclusive as your last sentence, don’t just stop.

3.4
Take breaks, but keep ‘em to ten minutes. That way they won’t last more than fifteen. One break per hour at maximum.

3.5
A word on sustenance: I’m assuming that you’re doing this in one session, probably because you have no other option. You will need food and water. Coffee is a Bad Idea. It’ll spark you up but then you’ll crash and have to drink more. Very soon you won’t be able to concentrate and your hands will start shaking. Yes, they will. I prefer Red Bull because it tastes horrible and you won’t be tempted to chug it all at once. No more than two cans per session though. Bring chocolate (it’ll be a nice treat) and bring fruit (or you’ll get sickly). Bring plenty of water.

4. Editing

You’re in no condition to edit this right now. Write your bibliography instead. If you planned right you won’t need to make any major changes, but read it through in the morning to check for typos before you print.

Now rest well, and dream of large women.

That is all.

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